Then... And Now

A recurring thought that keeps passing through my mind is how differently I am showing up now in comparison to how I used to show up - this thought is mainly linked to how I show up online in my business, yet when I zoom out and look at the rest of my life, it applies to every area.

Rewind back to June this year when I was at the airport in line for check-in so I could travel back to Bali from Japan. I’d just been in Okinawa for 20 days to mix my visa run with a business event we had to celebrate our company’s 50th year anniversary on it’s home land.

If you’re new to my space, I’ve been aligned with Enagic - who have created water technology and various other health optimisation products to support us come back to true health - since 2017. You can explore why true health is so important, how our health is being attacked daily, as well as how a simple switch in water can support ourselves & our families, AND how money can be made back on your investment in as little as 5 sales (with full support), here.

Anyway… as I was lining up I saw some people in my wider business community and got chatting to them. One of them - Mo, shoutout to you if you’re reading, brother! - said to me that my energy felt different to him… to which I pondered and replied “I don’t feel like I have anything to prove anymore”.

I’ve read that feeling invisible, unappreciated, and undervalued is a shared Reflector thing (shout out to my fellow HD Reflectors - the struggle has been real!), of which I can totally relate to as a 5/1 Reflector who has always had a lot to say. 

There have been many instances throughout my life where I’d share what I’d learned, my perception, or give advice, and it wasn’t registered or implemented on, to then have been later realised by the person I shared it with, giving me that “yup, I said that/told you so” feeling.

I’ve subsequently learned to only share myself & what I’ve picked up directly with those who are clearly asking for it, and who I feel valued/appreciated by, as well as not taking peoples inattentiveness personally - I’ve recently just reclaimed more power in this area, too.

As a woman who is enthusiastic and passionate about sharing what I’ve learned to support the creation of a better experience, it’s been a dance to know where and when to keep my mouth shut, what’s best to share, or even when to ask for permission to share; everyone is on their own journey, and when they desire guidance they will come and start asking questions.

So! This feeling of being invisible, unappreciated, and undervalued created a deeper root into a feeling of not being enough, or not being worthy, which became a double-edged sword because this (unconsciously) made me loud at the attempt to gain appreciation, value, acceptance, and validation from others… making me too much for some, even though I felt not enough lol… and then I’d wonder what was wrong with me… which would send me down a spiral of negative thinking and judgement towards myself, and others… oh the suffering! Lol.

My “loudness” started in my appearance. And this goes waaaay back to before I even started my online business & conscious life creation journey, yet entirely relevant to the story.

From the age of 12 I started to dye my hair & get piercings, which would ultimately lead to a multitude of tattoos, the adornment of bright pink hair, as well as a side & undercut that would regularly have amazing patterns artistically embellished into them.

Somewhere along the way in this outward expression of “who” I was, I started my business. I actually started my business a couple of months after dying my hair bright pink, funnily enough.

Building my personal brand had me using my voice more in ways that mattered, and in continuation of my outward expression, I became LOUD.

Loud in the sense of the regularity and content forms in which I was showing up online in, anyway.

Starting this brand new business with the intentionality of creating my freedom had me committed, which gave me permission to really lean into my voice, and what I was passionate about sharing.

Having just started my personal growth journey I didn’t really know where to start, so I started with sharing positive & empowering messages with my audience, as well my new journey, and what I was learning along the way about our mind, effective ways to grow, and the online business industry I’d decided to use as a vehicle towards my freedom life.

Just like many people would be, I started with the worry of what people would think or say… but I moved anyway. Albeit holding certain aspects of myself back until I was fully confident and empowered enough in myself to share those parts of me - the amount I would (used to) swear, my journey with drink/drugs, or what I was really thinking about certain things, for instance.

When I started my journey I was depressed & anxious with this newfound exhilaration for life because of the light I could now see at the end of the tunnel with this plug-in-and-play, generational wealth-building business model I’d just gotten involved with…

Understandably, and especially with my child-like nature as a Reflector, my energy was very strong with excitement & enthusiasm, and this could be felt - even through the screen. I can only imagine it was an energy that many didn’t take seriously, yet I was determined.

I would show up online relentlessly to create exposure; I did this by being of service and leading my content creation from the heart, which subsequently had me on the frequency wave for the good side of the algorithm, which my ego and cries for validation loved.

Newly traversing this business/personal/spiritual journey, I had sooo much to learn, be confronted with, and implement for the ego deaths, integration, and embodiment of the new ways of being required for the huge up levels I was aiming for.

It wasn’t until 2020 that I really started to ground and anchor into my knowing and my power.

During the years 2017-2020, I had become a junkie to personal growth and mastering the skills required to successfully build a high-ticket affiliate marketing business and design my life. 

My confidence skyrocketed the more I experienced magic unfold before my eyes through the implementation of everything I was learning, having created my freedom life within a year of starting, with the inner knowing of what I was capable of creating fully connected to.

I was yet to fully anchor into my power though, as there was still much wisdom (as there still is now) to be gained through my own lived experience.

Shortly after I got to Bali in 2020, my business’ success skyrocketed and netted me multiple 5 figures in the timeline of months… I'd decided back in 2019 to make some pivotal shifts in my business after zooming out and evaluating where the missing link was, and finally, after 3 years of input, I was reaping the rewards hugely…

The secret? Listening to my intuition (not my mind) and aligning with what felt right & good for my future movement. Listening to my intuition would become a recurring lesson I'd need to learn… I’d later experience the rocket stop skying and instead start to float because I let my ego fears get the best of me, listening to logic (the mind) over the Soul nudges that were scaring the mind.

Shortly after getting to Bali, everyone left because of the fear instilled into them through the global shit show that had just started - fulfilling my Soul’s calling even more for spiritual growth/healing, opening up waaaay more energetic space to dive deep into my being.

There’s something sooo magical about this land. They say that she either swallows you right up, or spits you right back out… and Mama Bali certainly swallowed me right up - she’s a vortex lol. 

I’ve concluded that the ones she spits back out are too much in their ego, dissociative, and not yet ready to do the inner work to come home to themselves fully. All said without judgement, of course - this is a path for the warrior spirit; facing the truth, the depths of our story, our darkness, becoming relentlessly honest with & true to ourselves, and surrendering, all whilst leading fully from the heart, is not for the weak or closed hearted/minded… and unfortunately we have been trained as a global collective to be weak and guarded, so it’s important the inner strength and resiliency, as well as openness, has been built upon before getting to this stage.

To cut an extended version of my 4.5 year journey in Bali short; being fully open, ready, and receptive to this inner work has allowed me to experience, strengthen myself through, and rise above the following;

• Finding my way in a brand new country & community where I knew no one or the language, continually breaking through various levels of social anxiety and feeling alone.
• The deconditioning of many toxic & unhealthy characteristic traits, habits, and coping mechanisms I had unconsciously adopted because of living the majority of my life in a sick society.
• A short-lived narcissistic experience that devoured me for everything I had, sucking my life force energy for over a year and leading me to dive deep into alchemising my wounds, and integrating my shadow.
• Mistreatment from new “friends” in the party scene I had unconsciously been drawn to through familiarity, causing me to rethink the types of people I wished to surround myself with.
• A heart-wrenching experience of toxicity & betrayal directed towards me within my business organisation, again leading me to alchemise & integrate further.
• The disconnection from past mentors (and subsequently an old online community) because of a misalignment in values, forcing a pivot in ways that required more work in the short term, but gave me greater autonomy over my business.
• Various tests on my receptiveness to receive, ask for help, share my vulnerabilities, and hold my faith through strengthening my connection with the frequency of abundance & trust, as well as my own feelings of self-worth.

I knew what I wanted when I got here, so Mama Bali continues to deliver the medicine (as she so perfectly does) to ensure I become an energetic match for everything I’m calling in. As testing as what I have been faced with was, it’s all been so good because it’s only allowed me to become stronger.

The secret sauce to all of the above was to not wallow in my anger, sadness, despair, or any other lower vibrational emotion… and trust it was all happening for me. Through this whole process and every single experience, I learned how to connect deeply to my bodies wisdom, as well as emotionally regulate and transmute the icky sticky stuff to energies and right-action that served my vision… I've learned how to set my boundaries both energetically & verbally, as well as come back to the remembrance of the magic in laughter, play, love, compassion, and kindness.

Everything happening “to” me was a reflection of the disharmony happening within my internal world.

In fact, it was happening for me to direct me to the shifts required to uplevel my conscious awareness & vibrational frequency, as well as land me further into my heart to match the experience of happiness, health, wealth, and love that I was calling in; whether that be any past/ancestral wounding that required healing, or aspects of my personality that required polishing.

Over, and over, and over again, I have learned how to lower my ego and come back to my heart. I have died & been reborn more times than I can count, and the more I have come to accept and understand my own experience with love and compassion, the more I have opened the ability to do the same for others.

I have continually held my hands up when I have been in the wrong or made mistakes... with myself privately, or concerning others. I've approached these "wrongdoings" with honest objectivity, pivoting & shifting my approach where required, appreciating and loving the experiences for what they were - space to optimise myself.

We are all plagued with so much darkness, and when we zoom out and look at the whole, all whilst getting to know our own, we see how much of a part we’re playing to the collective turmoil by turning our backs on the shadowy parts of ourselves and overlooking that of others without a word to shine the light.

We’re in this together; as we shift things on an individual level, we play our part in the global shift. We’re that powerful, and we must support each other by asking for help, and offering help.

My power has been strongly anchored by the aforementioned, as well as the refinement of my communication skills, the honouring of my truth and boundaries in all areas, and the intention, awareness & cultivation towards a loving presence. I still have a ways to go, yet this is the strongest (and softest) I’ve ever been.

Moving through everything I have with objective honesty for myself & others, as well as the commitment to creating better with ease and grace, has allowed me to continually up-level my experience and design my reality.

Through coming to know myself at a deep level, I have come to be able to see and know others at a deep level.

Learning & applying the Laws of the Universe to my life, mastering myself and my energy, and moving intentionally have allowed me to create my desired experience.

When we come to know our power and strength through our own lived experience… “the better it gets, the better it gets” … When we choose to show up in integrity and service, the energy changes and things start to shift - not only in the way that we show up but in the way that others show up for us.

I have so much gratitude for those I have been blessed to share this experience with, including the ones who have harmed me, wronged me, or hurt me because those energies increased my levels of discernment, as well as pulled me closer to the light & loving strength.

It’s interesting because even though I’m outwardly quieter and softer, I’ve noticed that my power and presence is louder & more strongly felt.

My first experience was when I shaved my hair off; I thought people would see me less when in fact more people started to truly see me.

I’m at a stage in my life where I do not feel the need to prove myself or be liked, and because of this I show up differently.

• I don’t feel the need to be all over social media in the ways that I used to. 
• The way that I create content is different - there is less me in the visuals I capture, and more of other people & the experience.
• I’m more intentional about presence, keeping my phone away from me when sharing physical space with people, as well as listening to what they desire to share.
• The way I express myself has changed; it’s more reserved, softer, clearer, and grounded.
• The way I hold myself in conversation has shifted (especially hard ones); there’s much more self-control, presence, heart, and power.

I do not need (although it is nice lol) outward validation from another to know how well I’m doing. I care little (although it is nice lol) about likes/followers/subscribes. I know who I am and what I have to offer, and I am deeply anchored into the knowing and appreciation of divine timing - everything and everyone for me is coming.

I see it. I feel it. I need nothing more than this knowing.

My mind & heart are making me aware of what’s already there waiting for me with the exchange of intentional and intuitive effort, and I know that the right people will bless my experience at the right time so we can both - together - enhance each others lives in one way or another.

I choose to lead with heart and intuitive guidance rather than the mind, my ego hates this much of the time because of the unknown, but we’ve come to learn to ride & love the wave because my soul knows (and has proven over and over again) that’s where the magic is!

When my journey started, I was a shattered shell of the woman you see today… wearing masks and armour (visible and invisible) to protect myself in the ways I believed I needed. I knew I had power within me, I just wasn’t connected to it, let alone grounded or expanded in it.

As testing, stretching, grief-inducing, scary, heartbreaking, __insert word here__, as this experience of conscious life creation has been (and will continue to be), I would never change it for the world.

Following my souls deepest desires and feeling everything that I’ve needed to feel along the way has allowed me to come home to myself and land into my purpose. And it will continue to. I have been cracked wide open in more ways that I can count, and in ways that I never could have imagined, that have allowed me to come back stronger and stand up taller.

A deep certainty and internal knowing is something that cannot be broken, and this is something that’s created within and about ourselves and our lives when we choose to follow the tugs of our soul and experience the magic.

It’s a crazy, yet addictive ride… and I cannot get enough of it!

There’s still a ways to go, 7 years into my journey and I feel like I’m only just beginning. It’s as if the last 7 years were there to test my seriousness and pay my dues for the mission and role I’m choosing to play in our global collective awakening.

Hows your soul journey been? Have you started yet? If you haven’t, what’s stopping you?
I’d love to hear all about it in the comments, as well as anything else this share has arisen in you!
Register for an account here to leave a comment!

Thank you so much for being here,
I love you so much!
Together, we are rising.
Melly
xo