Creating Safety Within Relationships

My journey started with the desire of creating safety & security for myself in the form of finances (hello, Capricorn Stellium House 3!), yet this path soon led me to understand that safety & security goes much much deeper than the surface level of the physical.

And don’t get me wrong, I’m all for - and continue to - pursue the safety and security that money allows us to create for ourselves and others; yet my point here is what is the safety and security of a home, a family, and a community, if we do not feel safe to be ourselves fully, as well as openly express ourselves within these containers when it comes to our feelings, our hopes, our wants, our needs, our desires, or our visions, without feeling judged, criticised, or attacked?

So many people are on the defense… which makes sense because so many people are attacking… subtly and unconsciously… in the guise of a joke, a bit of gossip, judgement, or downright rudeness.

I’ve experienced personally and have been witness to, countless of times, the volatility within an array of relationships because of a lack of ability to regulate emotions, authentically express & communicate themselves from a place of full responsibility & ownership, set boundaries, as well as healthily resolve conflict.

It’s all in the energy, even when words are unsaid, the volatility of words unspoken is felt within the energy (and indirect communication through body language).

Many people are walking around as physical adults with the emotional intelligence of children because they have not been taught how to effectively alchemise & transmute their emotions, as well as healthily express their experience… it’s not their fault either because school did not share the fundamental skills of being human, and people typically choose to stop learning after school because of how brutal the academic & soul-sucking experience is.

It’s time we stop scratching the surface of physical appearances and dive deep into the root of the issues we are all facing, as a global collective.

We are not as happy as we could be, and this comes down to us having our intentional focus more on physical safety, forgetting about the most important foundation of the safety it is we can create, and in my opinion MUST create.

I decided to use the internet to create channels of prosperity in various different ways (including this online business model) so I could decide when, where, and how I work, as well as how much I am worth.

I thought this would create safety & security for me.

This desire of creating the freedom that I started to live within a year of starting this online business led me on a personal journey of discovering who I was underneath the layers of conditioning & training that had been thrust upon me by the system, as well as what I am worth - including what I will tolerate in my relationships, and what I will not.

I have personally experienced relational patterns of emotional abuse, and narcissism, as well as toxic & unhealthy ways of relating… and it gets to a point where it gets to a point.

But we only know what we know, right? 

And when we zoom out and look at what’s conventionally available to the masses as a touch point for relationships, we see that unhealthy ways of being & doing are promoted, as well as toxicity and bonding through our trauma/vices normalised.

Just because everyone does it, is experiencing it, or it’s always been this way, does not mean it’s right, good, and healthy for ourselves and our families.

Look at how unhealthy, unhappy, mistreated, and unfulfilled most people are in their relationships...

So… it got to a point where it got to a point. 

And I decided I did not want unhealthy, toxic, or abusive relationships anymore - in any area of my life.

… That’s where it became confronting … 

… And also where I decided to look at it as a game of evolution so I could strengthen myself and level up my experience in a fun way, rather than keep repeating the same old patterns and cycles, as a “victim” blaming others.

I started asking myself questions and becoming really honest with myself, however hard it was for my ego.
-- Where was I acting from my ego? Being toxic? Unhealthy? 
-- Where was I projecting my internal experience/perception/traumas towards the other, and ultimately giving my power away for effective change from the inside-out, the only thing I have full autonomy over, myself?

A huge thing that I have learned - and have experienced on my conscious life creation journey over the last 7 years - is that our external reality and experience is simply a reflection of our internal reality.

As within, so without.

My past-life of unhealthy relational dynamics, lack, and struggle was created because my mindset, energy, and focus were all directed towards the chosen ways of being & doing that did not serve a thriving experience.

I was not showing up as my best, my healthiest, and in full integrity for the vision I had, as well as the relationships I desired.

Once I started to shift things within me and the way I was choosing to show up, externally things started to shift.

I created the external experience of freedom by first creating it from the inside-out.

Safety has been created in my relationships by first creating safety within, towards, and around, myself.

A strong, sure, anchored, powerful, deep, validating, and safe relationship with myself is reflected in the relationships I now choose to cultivate.

… And I know when it is safe to drop deeply in with people about certain things because of the energy created within the dynamic, and with how my body guides me because of the energetic transmission it receives from the other.

The most important thing in any relationship, I believe, is to feel safe in every sense of the word.

Safe to BE ourselves. 
Safe to express ourselves.
Safe enough that our nervous system feels calm.
Safe in the knowing that our boundaries are respected. 
Safe to share our hearts deep desires & vulnerabilities. 

Yet, how many people can honestly say that they feel safe in their relationships to all of the above?
Less than 15% I reckon.

The idea for true happiness, I believe, is to build depth & intimacy in relationships… 

We all want to be loved. We all want to be understood, accepted, seen, heard.

… Yet how many of us can say that we are effectively doing that for those in our lives?

How are we creating safety for others we are in relation with, in the way we are choosing to be & do?

If we are unable to create & hold safe space for others, how can we expect others to do the same for us? We can’t.

We can only create as much safe space and meet people as deeply as we have done so for ourselves… trouble is, the majority of people are *typically* not creating safe space or meeting themselves fully.

This must change.

We have been trained to meet ourselves and our strengths, yet when it comes to our shortcomings and weaknesses we have been trained to ignore them. This causes us to blame & judge others, leaking negative energy out into the field, and ultimately giving away our power for effective & healthy transformative change.

When are we, as a collective, going to start to truly look into the mirror and take full ownership and accountability for the part we are playing in the unhealthy/unhappy/toxic areas of our life experience? Specifically our relationships?

We are so quick to project our perception/viewpoint onto others, assume their position, blame them for our experience, judge their character, and in the process essentially question their integrity (mostly without intending to)…

… You MADE me feel this way.
... You MADE me do this because of this!
… You’re so *insert whatever word here*.
… You did this!
… It’s your fault!

Yet, what about the parts we play in the experience? What about our own toxic traits and unhealthy ways of being & doing that’s affecting the dynamic and the whole? Everything is connected… we are all connected - don’t believe me, go research. It’s proven in quantum physics.

This is why it’s so very important to know thyself. When we know ourselves to the depth of our core, the projections and opinions of others will have no effect on us because we come to know that the way they view us is simply a reflection of their own embodiment and past experience.

Everyone and everything is a mirror. 

The more we move through life with this awareness, the more we are able to observe the triggers and judgements as redirection back to Self, and the alchemical work we get to do to raise our frequency, which ultimately creates the space to look at another from an objective viewpoint of love, understanding, empathy, and compassion - because we see in them what was once within us in some way.

We are all on the same journey in our own unique way. We all desire to find our way back home. To love.

… And that means we must be honest & take full accountability of our weaknesses & shortcomings in our character. 
“Is it really them? Or is it actually me?” — “Is this my ego wanting to win? Or my heart wanting to understand?” — “Where am I attacking? Defending? Being passive? Aggressive? Unhealthy? Toxic? Sabotaging?”

Knowing that our external reality is a reflection of our internal reality allows objective guidance back to ourselves. 

What is within us that is creating this experience? Where am I enabling, allowing, or perpetuating whatever unhealthy/toxic dynamic that’s currently happening? What stories am I creating based on my past experience that is not serving what I wish to create? Is my language serving me, the relationship, and the overall forward movement?

It’s been a journey to get to where I am now, and by no means am I done - yet I’m so much further now than where I was when I started.

Through my own experience and points of witness, I’ve evaluated that the roots of toxic behaviour typically come from an internal experience of not feeling safe. And we don’t feel safe because we don’t feel worthy, deserving, seen, or heard, we feel like we’re not enough, or too much, and this causes us to feel unsafe, which ultimately causes us to self-sabotage or sabotage the relationships in our lives, be it through aggressive or passive means.

And this is where the work is; creating the safety within ourselves so we alchemise & transmute these limiting beliefs to be sure they do not negatively effect our relational experiences. Much of this work is done within and reflecting upon relationships, and why it’s so very important for us to learn how to emotionally regulate, effectively & authentically communicate, as well as healthily resolve conflict, recognising and holding our hands up to the personal shifts we get to make to serve the greater good of the whole.

We are all on our own journeys back to love in our own unique ways; what’s important is that we recognise what ours entails when it comes to the strengthening of our power, and do everything that we can to healthily embody and create what it is that we desire.

The change we wish to see first starts with ourselves.

And we are all so perfectly positioned exactly where we are - the important thing we all must do is let go of judgement; for ourselves and for others, and choose to objectively look at the way things are as “it is what is is”, with the full intention of moving towards our best selves, moving away from (if unable to rise up with) those that cause us to feel bad, and towards everyone and everything that have us feeling good.

We are the average of who we surround ourselves with. Put a perfectly edible apple next to a mouldy one and it’ll soon catch the mould… the same goes for us and toxic/unhealthy people. Energy transfers. It’s all energy. We must continually check in with ourselves and the way that we feel, pivoting and shifting in the ways best for all to match our wants/needs & requirements as we grow and evolve.

There need be no drama.

Some people will choose not to join us as we shift, and that’s okay. We are all exactly where we are meant to be, and we must honour and respect the choices of others as much as we honour and respect our own choices.

We are the creator of our experience, and we get to choose what we allow into our experience.

The safety & security we desire within our relationships must first be created within ourselves. 

As within, so without.

Unhealthy & toxic relational dynamics are the typical these days… so people think it’s normal… 
… yet it’s far from normal, it’s far from healthy, and in no way supports long-term & sustainable happiness; in fact, it only ever leads to dis-ease.

Healthy relationships are ones where;

• All parties take full ownership & accountability for their experience.
• We feel safe (or are working towards creating safety) within our nervous systems.
• We can express how we feel without being shut down/stopped in our expression, interrupted, judged, attacked, criticised, or gaslit.
• We can speak for ourselves.
• Communication is open, healthy, respectful, honest, transparent, calm, inviting, and full of love.
• We feel seen/heard/respected/valued/appreciated.
• Our boundaries are respected fully.

Anything out of these realms get to be observed, questioned, alchemised & transmuted. If the other is unable to do the relevant work to create a healthful and harmonious relational dynamic, then we get to make a choice to honour ourselves and boundary up/create distance/leave, or turn our backs on ourselves and not honour what it is that we want/need/require because apparently the other is more important (they’re not btw… you’re the most important person in your life, and you get to treat yourself that way).

The most important thing I have ever done, and continue to do, is create a deep sense of safety within my relationships.

The importance of this goes for all of us because of the unfortunate truth that our wiring and inheritance is mostly toxic & unhealthy; to no fault of our own and at the full intention of the wider agenda.

If we continue to allow ourselves to be led by our ego, we are going to continue to witness and experience our relationships and the world destruct, which is not safe or fun for anyone.

It’s certainly not an experience I wish to bring my children into, and why I choose to do this work of intentional personal evolution in all areas.

Emotional safety and the space to express ourselves is the most important sense of safety we can create, for anyone. Especially our children.

We create this safety by coming back to our hearts - for ourselves and everyone in our experience.

Just like we can choose to perceive people at their lowest, we can also choose to perceive people at their highest; all whilst moving with discernment and full trust when it comes to the way we energetically feel about the situation we find ourselves in.

We’re all doing the best we can with the tools we have, and the more we learn, the more we implement, the more we grow, the more we integrate, the more we evolve, the more we get to be a guiding light to those who desire to tune in to our frequency and rise with us, in love.

We rise by lifting one another - although it’s important to remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink; so continue to be the guiding light as well as your biggest protector, whilst leading the way with an open-hearted space for others to tune in and rise with you, if they so desire.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this piece in the comments, if any. You can register for an account for free here to leave a comment.

Thank you for being here with me on the journey!

All my love,
Melly
xo